All I have to say on it...

Thinking about gay marriage makes me want to hit someone, so...

If marriage is a religious thing it has no place in politics to begin with... Heterosexual marriages shouldn't be within the political realm any more than homosexual ones should be... "traditionally" marriage was entirely within a church... We crossed the line between the seperation of church and state long ago...

Gay Rights by ~arad8790 on deviantART

Goodbye my boy...

Goodbyes are hard. I spent all day yesterday saying goodbye to my Puck, my rabbit.

Puck and I have been inseperable since I lived in Rumford. Nearly 7 years now.

Yesterday about half an hour before I left for work I turned to feed the rabbits and I realized he was laying exactly the way he had been the day before when I fed him. His food dish and his litter box completely untouched. I noticed a few weeks ago he was getting thin. To be expected with his age.

I debated taking him to be euthanized, but that seemed foolish. The stress of the drive would be so much for him... So instead I called in to work and he and I laid on the couch all afternoon. He finally passed about 9:30 last night, curled up in bed with me. I felt him leave his body.

I will always love my baby boy. He's been there with me through so much...

Now it's just that heart-breaking empty cage thing...

Halloween Party and other Babbling...

Tomorrow is my annual pumpkin carving party. It started out as a small deal four(?) years ago now just because Manda, Cindy and I wanted to carve pumpkins together. Now it's grown into two days worth of baking, at least 10 adults and 3 kids. As time goes by I'll invite more and more people I think. It's really a lot of fun and has turned into a tradition. This year we're involving the girl's grandkids, which I think will be even more fun. Last year I had Draven for it and kids just make things like that better.

So this morning I woke up early, saw the girl off to work and now I'm getting ready to start in on the baking for tomorrow.

Canned pumpkin is damned near impossible to get your hands on this season! I'm hoping the girl can find some this afternoon for me while she's out shopping, and we'll stock up. Seems it was a bad growing season so it's hard to find.

Next year I'll invite Mara and her baby boy, and my brother and his child. Oh yeah... did I mention my brother is having a baby? The baby's due date is on my birthday, April 20th. Of course, I'll be excited to have a new niece or nephew, but I'm not very happy with my brother on two counts... One, he's 19, doesn't yet have a high school diploma and neither does the girl he's with. Two... he's 6 and 1/2 years younger than me. He's not supposed to have a child before I do! His saving grace is that he and his girlfriend have been dating for three years now, so at least I know they actually care about each other on some level. I'll tell you what, though, if I'd had a child with the person I was with at his age my life would truly SUCK now...

Don't even get me started on what his response to that was, when I said it to him... Gr...

I am so looking forward to Winter. Like I do every year, I'm itching for it... Can't wait for the snow. Can't wait to be home with the girl watching Christmas movies and drinking hot cocoa, watching the weather out the window. I even look forward to cleaning the snow off her truck for her on Saturday mornings like today, when she works her early shift.

Last Monday when we got home from Eustis I made dinner with the help of Cadence, the four year old. Chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, biscuits, gravy... She is at that age where she really enjoys doing grownup things like helping in the kitchen. She helped form the biscuits and bread the chicken. Kind of like that whole "and I helped!" thing, she gets all proud. I have very vivid memories of both my grandmother and my father letting me help as a child, as young as four. One of the kitchens I remember learning to cook in was in an apartment we moved out of when I was six. I remember my dad teaching me in that kitchen to turn the handles toward the back of the stove, and teaching me to make the thumbprints in cookies for him to fill with jam. I remember my grandmother teaching me to form drop biscuits a little tighter so they would be denser, and so they wouldn't fall apart (which was Cadence's job Monday). Teaching Cadence to do these things in the kitchen really warms me. Like I'm passing on a piece of my grandmother to her, and a piece of the beautiful part of my relationship with my father back when I was "daddy's girl". All three of elizabeth's grandkids that we have at the house often feel like family to me. Cadence will grow up never remembering a time her memere lived with anyone but Katrina, and I think that's beautiful. I've been friends with elizabeth since before Cadence was born and I love that I can be a steady influence in her life. Not that she suffers for grownup attention, that kid has more adults that adore her than I even know of...

My grandmother lives on in me everyday, and everyday I realize it more and more. I love that I can pass that on to Cadence and Robert, and maybe Dominic one day when he's a little older. Robert doesn't so much have the attention span to cook with me, but there will be days in the future that I'll do those things with him.

I truly love those kids, and their mothers, just like I truly love elizabeth. Feels like I'm home...

Love it...

So long ago...

Four years ago I said this to elizabeth:

"Imagine Peace says:
i want to own you. i'm a very VERY fly-free type of person. i am very much a person who wants everyone to be free.. yet you're different...i want to own you. i want to control you. i've fantasized a thousand times about you... just in the last week... to have you on your knees in front of me. and a part of me feels so incredibly wrong for thinking that shit... yet it's SUCH a rush... to feel that way
yet i also want to set you free, at the same time... i want to see what potential you have when you're alone. single. i want to see the power you can have. i want to dominate you, yet submit to you, all at once...
but above all... i want gunner and ric out of the picture. i want MY time... MY TIME with you... i want free time for both of us, so that i can figure you out. get to know you. and get you to know yourself... i guess i want to be able to show you something else...
something ... else. that's all i can come up with... i mean, for how long have you been unhappy? for how long have you been miserable? suicidal? depressed...? I want to change that. i want to be the bright light. i want to make you shine, and make those eyes twinkle in that way that i've only rarely seen... it was there when you were talking to rick, but not quite the same... it was a different twinkle when we were at your house and it was just us. a completely different twinkle in your eyes. and i want that twinkle all the time..."

At the time I didn't think she and I would ever have a relationship like we have now. I assumed she and I would always be just friends. Now that I look back at our relationship, at the last five years, I'm not sure we were ever JUST friends. We worked really hard to not hurt the people we were with, to remain faithful to them... but we were meant to be. We were made for each other in a way neither of us recognized then...

The balance of our relationship is perfect. The way she submits to me, and in a different way I submit to her... The world has never felt more right, more balanced... Yin and yan exactly as they were always meant to be... Black and white... Dominance and submission...

Are you all sick of hearing about her yet? Sorry... can't help myself... I am... more in love than I knew was possible. As she said in a text to me earlier this morning "I never knew love could be like this."

Don't...

Don't don't you wish we tried
Do you feel what I feel inside?
You know our love's stronger than pride
No don't! Don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
Please talk to me - don't close the door

I want to hear you

Want to be near you

Don't fight! Don't argue!
Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away- Don't tell me to go

Don't! Don't give up on trust
Don't give up on me - on us
If we could just hold on long enough

We can do it!
We'll get through it!

Don't pretend that it's okay
Things won't get better that way
Don't do something that you might regret one day

Don't!

Life as it is...

is wonderful... amazing...

Cindy, elizabeth and I will regain our friendship. It's begun already. We'll all be out at the bar tonight together, with elizabeth's daughters and all our favorite queens and friends. It'll be a huge night because this historic bar, this bar that has been a safe place for so many people for so many years is closing. About a month ago a man that was there was telling me how when he was just barely old enough he used to go to Sportsman's, terrified to enter the front door, because of the stigma attached to being gay. How far the world has come... I am very sad to say goodbye to this bar. This place that has been my haven for years. The building I was standing in the day I told elizabeth I was in love with her. The dance floor I stood on the second time I kissed her, and many times after that. The bar that has seen so many of my tears and my laughter. And I can't even count the friends I've made, the friendships I've solidified over a drink there.

My daily life has changed a lot in the last month, and yet it feels so comfortable and so familiar, like I've been here forever. I'm in love with my best friend. What could be more natural? I know her better than anyone does, and she knows me the same way. We can't possibly have secrets about our pasts, because we've been together through it all. We don't have to worry about surprises or someone suddenly changing into a different person, which can so easily happen in a new relationship. We've hurt each other, fought with each other, supported each other, taken care of each other, and laughed with each other. We've been in love for four years now. I could never have left Cindy for elizabeth, ever. I couldn't have done that to Cindy, I couldn't have done that to elizabeth. And though I know a lot of people think that's what I did, it's really not. I was already examining my relationship with Cindy long before elizabeth and I discussed a future together. But now that elizabeth and I are actually together, and we are regaining and repairing our friendship with Cindy I can see that this was all meant to be. the girl and I were made for each other. We just... we mesh. In a way I've never felt before. Our fantasies, our fetishes, our obsessive-compulsive traits, our decorating habits around the house... We enjoy the same foods, the same music, the same movies (apart from my broadway musicals, she's not so into those... lol) We laugh together. We have so much fun. Talking to her on the phone on my lunch break yesterday I was laughing so hard my sides ached and my face was bright red when I went back to work.

And this apartment that I've always been drawn to... this feels so much like home. Three nights in a row now I've dreamt of my grandmother's house, the only home I felt I had growing up. We moved so much when I was a child that I was in constant fear of losing my home, but my grandmother was my rock. She was solid, in place, never changing and always loving me. elizabeth gives me that same feeling of a steady foundation in an unsteady world. It isn't like I've moved into a new home, because elizabeth's house has been my second home for years. Now I'm just here even more than I've always been.

So, tonight we're going out to the bar. Then we have Sunday and Monday off together. Other than a little grocery shopping and maybe a photo shoot Sunday afternoon, we have nothing we need to do but sit around and enjoy each other's company. And we can never get enough of that.

We never really have been able to get enough of that. How many times have she and I sat at her kitchen table and talked until four am? Or gone shopping and gotten so lost in conversation we forgot items on our lists?

This is the love they talk about in music and movies. It's sappy sweet, sickening. It's uplifting and fun. It's perfect. Cindy and I are better people when we are apart from each other. We were always better friends than we were lovers. And elizabeth and I have always had an undeniable heat between us, heat the whole world could see and we both tried to deny for years.

It's all about elements.

She's the air that fans my fire.

Together we burn.